Nothing to Prove….
I have nothing to prove to anybody. Except the VOICES. They are never satisfied. Always pushing. Always taunting. Always wanting more. They expect more. They believe I can deliver everytime, regardless of how I feel mentally or physically. They are also my harshest critics, questioning every success or accomplishment.
They pushed me through my first half marathon even though I had the flu. I finished in 1:30:36. I should have been ecstatic but the VOICES let me know that I had missed a sub 1:30 by a mere 37 seconds. I qualified for Boston during the first attempt by finishing 2 minutes under my required time. BUT I dropped 5 minutes on the second half. “Need to work on that.” A 3rd place finish, in a small marathon, when I had pneumonia like symptoms? Or a 5th place finish the following year while limping from a calf strain? “Dude, you suck. Toughen up.”
After my first 50 miler, where I placed 3rd overall, they questioned whether it was legitimate or merely a lack of stronger competition. Last November I busted a sub 3 marathon and a PR one week after a strong 5th place finish on a tough 50k course. The VOICES once again called me out. “Fluke”, they said, “do it again.” Less than two weeks later I ran another sub 3 and PR’d. That worked for a minute….
Sub 24 100 miler? Nope. Not good enough. “The course wasn’t that tough. Anybody could run it in 21 hours….” An 11th place 50 mile finish on a rough trail course with a swollen knee? “Big deal.” Maybe a sprint tri on “Ye Old Schwinn” and zero swim training? Nope. Expected to do well. A state record for the 35-39 year old age group in the 50 miler? “What a joke. Pure luck.”
“Of course you can carry a 40lb kid for a 5k. It’s only 3.1 miles….” As I write this it becomes clear to me why I had to run the Bass Pro Marathon with an ITB injury that had me limping for the majority of the miles. I still have something to prove to myself. I don’t know what it is but there is something. Maybe the VOICES want me to reach a point where I can just be happy with who I am as a runner.
Or maybe I just need to sit one out and watch from the sidelines. I don’t like it but maybe I need to prove to myself that I can…….. Wish me luck this weekend as I cheer from the sidelines of the White River Marathon. This will be my biggest challenge yet.
Mike
November 16, 2011 (1:38 pm)
Excellent post David. This speaks to me on so many different levels. It is the VOICES that kept me running for 3 months after I knew I was injured and it is the VOICES that urge me everyday to say "Eff the Dr" and get back on the road. It is the VOICES that tell me I am a weak bastard for deciding to drop from TNF 50 due to injury, after all, I know I can finish, but no finishing time would be good enough for me. I, like you, believe that I must become happy (and satisfied) with myself as a runner. If you have any ideas on how to do this, I'm all ears. Good luck as a spectator this weekend. I am actually going out to spectate myself this weekend to watch the Big Sur Half Marathon.
Jenny
November 16, 2011 (1:58 pm)
Awesome blog David. I'm sure this will be rough for you. I am going to run extra fast so I can hurry and come cheer with you!
Omni Fitness
November 16, 2011 (2:02 pm)
It is funny the things and people that move you in life. I stumbled across you on Twitter, added you on FB and now follow you here. Something about your spirit, drive and plaine ol' craziness has captivated me. I was you a decade ago. It was possible(not likely but possible) to beat me but by God you would never out work or out train me. Noone had more guts and willpower than I had. I see a lot of what I was and what I respect in you, and it has given me a small kick in the butt to get going again. I can honestly say that your posts and blogs are the reason I get out there and run most days. It may not be the 10 milers at 6 minute pace that they once were but at least I run. Hell, I may even hop in a race or two one of these days. Thanks for always training and in turn always inspiring.
RunJunkee
November 16, 2011 (6:37 pm)
Love it. Thanks for inspiring me to take my running more "public".
J-Rod
November 16, 2011 (9:07 pm)
I play soccer and stayed injury free through 4 years of high school and my freshman year in college. During my sophomore year I got seven stitches above my eye and two weeks after that a major concussion that should have ended my season. When you have coaches and trainers telling you that "It'll be okay you can play" knowing now that I was not fit to play, but I also wanted to play so it was my own fault. I got lucky. In hindsight I figured out that it's not worth getting hurt even more. I'm okay with not running when I feel like it won't get any better, even when the VOICES tell me to suck it up and run.